A Turning Point
The situation with Adam seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I thought I was living my life exactly the way I was supposed to be living it. I have a wonderful husband I'm madly in love with, a great job, great friends, wonderful family, beautiful mostly-healthy children, an amazing dog, a warm, snug little house, enough food to eat, enough money to buy books, I go to church almost every Sunday, I try to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I continually read books and blogs and Internet information to make sure I'm being the best parent I can be. Yet I'm falling apart. I'm hanging by a thread. I have reached a turning point in my life. I've been thinking a lot lately and one of the things I've been thinking about is that up until now, I've been "pretending" to be an adult. I'm 31.5 years old and I've been living my life step-by-step how I "believed" it should be lived based on my research of the world around me. I have still been little 5 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, 18 year old Sheri deep down inside, just pretending to be an adult. I've been doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.
I admit that I will probably fail. And then succeed. And then fail. And then succeed. But I've decided that I need to live my life differently, starting today. I cannot go on trying to slog through each day so filled with anxiety, dread, and fear that I can barely take it. I need some relief and am going to the appropriate places to get some. But after that brief respite, I am going to have to have a strategy in my back pocket to keep me going for the rest of my life. I think (and maybe I'll end up being wrong...but...), I think that I need to start living my life for real now. It's time to "become" an adult and own my own life. No more doing what I think is the "right" thing to do based on what other people think. I need to reach deep down inside and allow 5 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, and 18 year old Sheri to grow up and live how she (they?) needs to live in order for my life to really be real and in order for me to really be happy. Not that I haven't been happy. But I've been happy with a huge side of unhappy. And I can't live that way anymore. But I'm also scared to do this. Because it's going to be a lot of work. But I'm committed to trying something. Something's better than nothing, right?
I thought I was living my life exactly the way I was supposed to be living it. I have a wonderful husband I'm madly in love with, a great job, great friends, wonderful family, beautiful mostly-healthy children, an amazing dog, a warm, snug little house, enough food to eat, enough money to buy books, I go to church almost every Sunday, I try to eat healthy and exercise regularly. I continually read books and blogs and Internet information to make sure I'm being the best parent I can be. Yet I'm falling apart. I'm hanging by a thread. I have reached a turning point in my life. I've been thinking a lot lately and one of the things I've been thinking about is that up until now, I've been "pretending" to be an adult. I'm 31.5 years old and I've been living my life step-by-step how I "believed" it should be lived based on my research of the world around me. I have still been little 5 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, 18 year old Sheri deep down inside, just pretending to be an adult. I've been doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.
I admit that I will probably fail. And then succeed. And then fail. And then succeed. But I've decided that I need to live my life differently, starting today. I cannot go on trying to slog through each day so filled with anxiety, dread, and fear that I can barely take it. I need some relief and am going to the appropriate places to get some. But after that brief respite, I am going to have to have a strategy in my back pocket to keep me going for the rest of my life. I think (and maybe I'll end up being wrong...but...), I think that I need to start living my life for real now. It's time to "become" an adult and own my own life. No more doing what I think is the "right" thing to do based on what other people think. I need to reach deep down inside and allow 5 year old, 13 year old, 16 year old, and 18 year old Sheri to grow up and live how she (they?) needs to live in order for my life to really be real and in order for me to really be happy. Not that I haven't been happy. But I've been happy with a huge side of unhappy. And I can't live that way anymore. But I'm also scared to do this. Because it's going to be a lot of work. But I'm committed to trying something. Something's better than nothing, right?
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