I don't remember the pre-baby me!

It's almost as if I'm nesting, preparing for the birth of a new baby in our family.  In a way, I think I am nesting as the new me forms.  It's been a tough nearly two years, dealing with anxiety and then depression, but now things are looking more up than down and I feel like I'm going through a re-birth.

I made a New Year's Resolution to remove all unneeded stuff from our house, sell it in a garage sale, and donate half the proceeds to a charity.  I'm 90% done with going through the house.  I still have to organize all the unnecessary stuff that's landed in the single-stall garage but that's a topic/chore for another day.  During the massive overhaul of all the 10 years worth of stuff we've amassed in our home, I found the "Pregnancy Journal" I kept when I was pregnant with Max, tucked away in a drawer...on a floppy disk.  I asked Stu to take it to work for me and e-mail me the files.  I sat down and read my journal and was floored.  I thought I remembered lots of stuff from my first pregnancy and I thought I remembered it correctly.  What I read was just a slightly different account of what I thought I remembered.  I was fascinated and enchanted by the pre-baby me.  I sure took a lot of time off from work when I wasn't feeling well and seemed to have no guilty feelings about it.  I think I've taken a handful of sick days for myself over the past several years where I just laid around and was sick.  I've been too sick to make it in to the office many more times than that but I force myself to work from home at least for a few hours.  I was pondering how my mindset has changed over the last 8 years and decided my anxiety is likely at least in (tiny) part attributable to the fact that I cannot even take a sick day when I'm sick and just be sick.  I'm going to work on that.

In the meantime, for your amusement, feel free to read the (partly redacted since this was clearly kept for myself and not meant for worldwide public consumption) silly journal I kept as a 24/25 year old naive little woman, expecting her first baby: 

April 9, 2004   
In early March, Stu and I went to Champp’s with Joe. I remember Joe saying he had the best day because he was fairly certain he had gotten the new job he applied for at a different liquor sales company. He said the only thing that would have made the day better was if I announced that I was pregnant, but he knew that couldn’t be since I had ordered a beer. I told him not to worry, that starting within a week or so, Stu and I would be trying again. We had been trying for 10 months and I was truly starting to lose hope. I figured that if it hadn’t happened by then, it must mean that there was a problem. Although everything I read said that it could take a normal, healthy couple up to a year to conceive, I thought for certain that Stu and I, if we were going to, would have gotten pregnant fairly immediately.

            On Friday, March 12^th Stu and I began trying in earnest (again).  The next day we attended the beer bust for Greg Kaiser’s softball team.  We both got very intoxicated!!  Joe and I went to the King of Diamond’s while Stu stayed with Melissa Maxey and her fiancé, Adam, at the bar we had started out at.  It was a great night and we had XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  I think Stu thought it would be fun if our child was conceived from a night of XXXXXXXXXX..

            Although I had tried in the last few months not to count days so that I wasn’t anticipating the arrival of my period for two weeks, I went downstairs a few days after I thought I was probably done ovulating and looked at the calendar to see when I should plan for my period.  For some reason, I didn’t think to check back to the previous month.  I simply saw that I was spotting on March 1^st so I assumed that my period would begin again on Sunday, March 28^th.  If I had checked the February calendar, I would have seen that I actually started spotting on February 27^th, so my period was really due on Thursday, March 25^th.  On Sunday, March 28^th I went to check the calendar in the afternoon since Aunt Flo hadn’t arrived yet.  I did decide to check the month of February and realized that my period was 3 days late!!  This is unheard of for me.  I ALWAYS get my period 28 days after the first day of my last period.  My boobs had been sore for a few days and on Sunday I was feeling this weird, shooting pain in my right breast.  Also, I had felt so utterly exhausted at work the Thursday before, I had asked to go home at 11:00 and took a 2 hour afternoon nap, went to bed at 8:30, and slept for the remainder of the night.  Because of this, I started to feel anxious.  But, I tried to relax since I have thought that I am pregnant about 5 times in the last 10 months.  I told Stu and he said, “You’re not pregnant.”  We’ve gotten into the habit of thinking pessimistically since thinking positively only brings disappointment.  Even so, I told him that it was very strange that my period would be three days late.  I told him that I was going to ask the Minute Clinic at work if they did blood tests.  Since we took all those urine tests last July and they all came out negative, I wanted a really accurate test this time.

            Monday morning, I checked the hours for the Minute Clinic and saw that they didn’t open until 8:30.  Since I get to work at 7:30 in the morning, I could hardly stand the hour wait.  My stomach was in knots.  I was the first person to arrive at 8:30.  The nurse in the clinic was working on the computer with her back to me and I said, “Hello” louder than I meant to.  She jumped halfway to the ceiling.  I apologized for startling her and she told me to fill out some patient paperwork and then to come back in.  I walked into the tiny clinic and took a seat.  I waited for her to close the door and explained that I had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months and that my period was 4 days late.  I told her I didn’t have any symptoms though so was pretty sure I was not pregnant.  She told me the only symptoms I’d probably have that early would be sore boobs.  I said that they were sore but that they were always sore when I was expecting my period.  She told me that the clinic didn’t perform blood pregnancy tests but that it was definitely not too early to do a urine test so I said I’d take it.   She gave me a urine cup and a wipey in a white paper bag.  I went to the restroom and hoped I wouldn’t see anybody I know.  I was worried they’d notice the bag and know what it was.  I devised a cover story while I was peeing.  If anyone saw me – I’d tell them I thought I had a bladder infection and was checking it out.  I walked back to the Clinic and tried to tell myself not to hope.  While the test “cooked”, the nurse talked to me but I can’t remember a thing she said.  A timer went off and she went to look at the test.  Her back was to me and she said, “Well, it worked this time.  You’re pregnant!”  I said, “No way!” or “Shut up!” or something to that effect.  She told me to come and look at the test and she showed me how if only one line had shown, it would mean it was negative but since there was both a blue and a pink line – it was positive!  I was shaking so bad I was hardly paying attention to what she was saying.  Things seemed to be going in fast forward speed.  I sat back down, I think, and she asked if I wanted to take the test with me.  I had thought of that throughout the months of trying, thinking I’d like to keep it at least for a while and was glad she suggested it because I didn’t think of it at that moment.  I said something to her about how I was shaking and couldn’t imagine how I was going to wait all day until I could tell my husband. 

            I spent the rest of the day trying to stop sweating like a pig and trying to stop shaking like a leaf.  I also spent the remainder of the workday trying to think of a good way to tell Stu the good news.  I went home for lunch, as usual, and wrote him a nice note telling him congratulations and how excited I was to have our baby growing in my tummy.  I wrapped the note, the pregnancy test, and the paperwork stating that it was positive in pretty tissue paper and then in a box.  I hid the box under our bed in case he came home earlier than I did and noticed it.  Then I e-mailed him and fibbed – telling him that the Clinic doesn’t do blood tests and I wanted to wait a few days before taking a urine test just in case Aunt Flo was duping me again.  I asked him what he wanted for dinner so I could have dinner ready for him when he got home.  This would be a special treat for him, as I hadn’t cooked him dinner in a long time.

            When Stu got home, I had candles lit and music from the digital cable playing.  I was so nervous.  I felt like I was proposing marriage or something.  I told him that I had something for him and I had to give it to him before I ate or I wouldn’t be able to eat.  I went and got the box.  He opened it and when he saw the test, he started scrabbling through the paperwork saying, “Where’s the part I want to see?!”  I told him it should have been on the first page and then he saw it.  He looked at me and said, “Really?  No way.”  Then he pored over all the paperwork and looked at the test again and again.  Both of us were extremely excited, nervous, and agitated.  Stu had a perpetual grin plastered to his face.  Stu said it was definitely a day for celebration and he had something in mind.  We had been at the Mall of America that Saturday and I almost got ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery but changed my mind and had a chili cheese dog instead.  We’ve only ever had Cold Stone in Las Vegas – a true special occasion – so Stu announced we were headed to the Cold Stone Creamery in Blaine.  We went and talked about how odd it was to think I was pregnant.  The ice cream was excellent.

            I started going to websites on pregnancy the next day at work.  My favorites are babycenter.com and ivillage.com  I really like ivillage.com because there is a message board called December 2004 Expecting Mom’s club.  It is so fun to talk with other people who are at the same stage of pregnancy as you are!  Oh, I forgot to mention above – the nurse at the Minute Clinic said my due date was probably December 3^rd or 4^th.  A little Christmas baby!! 

            So far I have been very lucky.  This pregnancy thing is a breeze (knock on wood).  I haven’t had any terrible symptoms and have only missed a few hours of work on that Thursday before I even knew I was pregnant.  I have had sore boobs, varying from really sore to just a little irritated, the whole time.  I have been more tired than usual but not too bad.  I have been peeing a lot more but I have also been drinking a lot more water – following the instructions of all that I have read.  I also have mild cramps that sort of feel like period cramps, but not as bad, that come and go.  Stu and I have been a lot pickier about what we buy at the grocery store.  Our shelves are stocked with whole grain bread, milk, cheese, cottage cheese, veggies, fruits, chicken, fish, etc.  The only snack food we have in the house are nuts, corn chips, salsa, and fudgesicles.

            There has been only one scary moment so far.  Last Wednesday – only two days after we got the positive pregnancy test and 24 hours after XXXXXX, I had one little instance of spotting.  I was beside myself for a few hours but when it went away, there was no pain, and it didn’t recur, I felt much better.  I called my Ob/Gyn’s office to ask whether they thought it was due to XXXX and if we should abstain.  The nurse I talked to thought it was likely and advised abstaining for a week.  There were no other instances of spotting the whole week so we XXXXXXXXXXXXX this Tuesday.  No spotting ever!!

            I am having a VERY hard time keeping this a secret!  I really want to tell my mom and dad especially!  I keep wanting to tell my mom about a new symptom or new thought and then I remember she doesn’t know.  Stu and I are going to my first appointment on Monday, April 26^th where I hope to hear a heartbeat.  I have agreed to wait to tell our family and close friends until then.  It seems like the most logical thing to do but it is still hard to keep the secret.  I won’t tell anyone at work, except Laurie Welsh, until I am three months.  I may even wait until we get back from our vacation.

            Stu and I discussed our vacation tonight and we are thinking about doing something other than the Mt. Rushmore/Yellowstone Park road trip we had planned.  We really wanted to go horseback riding and white water rafting and I wanted to sit in a Hot Spring – all of which are now out.  We have discussed going to Door County, WI with a stop at the House on the Rock.  We’ll see what happens.  We’ll definitely still go on a trip in early June…we just don’t know exactly where yet.  We still hope to bring Rosko wherever we go.

            I am currently reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and “Your Pregnancy Week by Week”.  Stu is reading “My Boys Can Swim: A Guy’s Guide to Pregnancy” which is more of a humor book than an educational book.

            We have taken two weekly measurements of my boobs and tummy.  If we measured correctly, my boobs have not increased in size but my tummy has increased by half an inch in one week.  I have only gained about 1 or 2 pounds – good!!

June 5^th, 2004

            Well, I am still just as horrible at keeping up journals as I’ve always been, even though I am going to be a mom!!  I am still reading the same books as above and still checking the “December 2004 Expecting Mom’s Club” message board a few times a week.  We did go to my appointment on April 26^th and we didn’t hear the heartbeat – we got to have an ultrasound!!!   Which I hoped for but didn’t even dare to ask because I didn’t think they would do one that early.  Turns out, at Metro Ob/Gyn, they do an ultrasound at your first appointment to truly confirm the pregnancy and to see how far along you are.  I wrote above that the nurse at the Minute Clinic estimated my due date to be December 3^rd or 4^th but when the ultrasound was done (we thought I was at about 8 weeks along) I turned out to be only about 7 weeks along so my due date was moved to December 12^th – even closer to Christmas J  At this appointment, Stu and I met with an R/N who discussed proper diet, exercise, and answered any questions we had.  She confirmed that white water rafting is definitely out but that if I felt comfortable with my riding skills and promised to go no faster than a walk, then she would be ok with me going horseback riding on our trip.   So, we did decide to go ahead with our trip – we leave on Thursday!!  Yeah!!  I can’t wait!  We went to my Mom’s house after this appointment to announce the pregnancy to her and Nikki.  I was so excited that I had an ultrasound picture to share!  Mom was so excited, she cried a little bit.  Nikki was excited and, I heard later, a little jealous.  But she soon decided to get over that feeling.  Then, we went to Stu’s parents to share with his family.  His mom took it with a very cool attitude, Pat seemed slightly interested, and I thought Ed was going to faint!  We called Stu’s Grandma and told her.  That Wednesday, we told my Dad, Grandma and Grandpa Frantz, Chris, Bill, and Tiana.  And I must confess that even though I promised Stu we wouldn’t tell anyone else before our parents, Brittany guessed…I think it was the week before we went to our appointment, but she promised she would keep it a secret, and she did.

            I see above, that I thought that pregnancy was a breeze….well, it got a little worse after that. I was probably 5 weeks pregnant when I wrote that and about 6 weeks – the morning sickness hit.  I truly can’t complain compared to some stories I’ve heard but I spent two weeks feeling pretty nauseous ALL DAY LONG.  I never once threw up but had a very hard time eating anything.  Almost nothing sounded good to me and I rarely felt hungry anyway.  Because of this, I am not eating quite as healthy as I had been for the first few weeks.  I still eat decently but more like how I ate before I got pregnant.  Then, we went up to my Dad’s cabin for a weekend to help him put the dock in and I forgot my prenatal vitamins.  By the end of the weekend, I felt pretty darn good so came to the conclusion that my vitamins must have been making me feel sick.  I decided to try taking the vitamins at lunch or dinner with a lot of food instead of at breakfast with only a few pieces of toast or a bowl of cereal.  That seemed to do the trick.  I still had rare bouts of nausea but nothing like the previous two weeks had been.  My boobs have continued to be quite sore and a sports bra in bed is a must as I tried not wearing one a week and a half ago and every time I rolled over, I experienced two large, heavy, painful lumps plopping from side to side – it really hurt! 

            I had my next Dr.’s appointment on May 27^th.  Stu did not come with to this appointment as the nurse I spoke with said that it would be very boring for him because all we’d basically be doing was a pelvic exam and a pap smear.  I waited for an hour and a half to see Dr. Campbell!!  I had gotten a headache Monday of that week that just kicked my butt.  I had to leave work at lunchtime, went to Mom’s and she made me lunch, then went home and promptly threw up the lunch and then took some Tylenol and went to bed.  The headache eased a little but when I tried to eat dinner, I threw that up as well.  I tried to get ready for work the next day but was so lightheaded and exhausted from not keeping any food down the day before – I called in sick and then called the Dr.’s office.  They said that as long as I kept water and a little food down that day, I should be ok.  I did manage to keep everything down that day; however, my headache never truly went away.  I was laying on the exam table waiting for Dr. Campbell and the fluorescent lights were beating into my eyes.  I thought I was going to pass out by the time he came in so I immediately asked if there was anything else I could take for my headaches other than Tylenol – since that wasn’t doing ANYTHING.  He said that he could prescribe me Tylenol 3, but I said no thank you to that immediately since it makes me vomit.  Then he said I could try something called Fioricet, which has the same stuff that’s in Tylenol, caffeine, and a barbiturate.  I said yes to that, picked it up on the way home, took one (you can take two at a time if need be), and 20 minutes later my headache was gone and I felt like a new woman!!  It was wonderful.  I’ve had to take it two more times since.  Each time it’s worked quickly and efficiently.  I also got to hear the baby’s heartbeat at this appointment – that was really cool.  You get to hear it at every appointment so I am excited for Stu to hear it the next time we go in.  Our next appointment is Thursday, June 25^th (I think it’s the 25^th), which is only 4 days after we get back from vacation.  I feel like I was just at the doctor!  I’m glad that time is going by so quickly but on the other hand, I am a little nervous about the change in our lives and having to take care of a tiny baby all by myself! 

Will and Beth had their baby on May 26^th at 12:02 in the morning.  Beth said she was glad the baby’s birthday is the 26^th because even numbers are better than odd.  I tend to agree…but don’t really know why, I’ve just always felt that way.  They had a baby boy and named him Benjamin Jance.  Jance is a family name – I think it’s Will’s maternal grandmother’s maiden name.  They went home from the hospital last Sunday – so they’ve been home with the baby for one week.

            Stu and I talked about names last weekend.  We’ve agreed on a girl’s name but neither of us has come up with a boy’s name we can agree on.  We plan to name the baby Keagan Louise, if it’s a girl.  I liked Grayson, Braden, Mason, Kincaid, Cade, and Kade for boy’s names but Stu didn’t like any of them.  I can’t remember the boy’s names Stu liked but I know they all seemed boring to me.  We still like Maxwell but are wishy-washy about it for some reason.

            If I am still on track for December 12^th, then I am about 13 weeks pregnant now.  I am starting to show a tiny bit but no one but Stu and I can really tell.  I have had to retired two pairs of pants that are just far too uncomfortable to wear because they really squeeze my midsection.  I am starting to run out of clothes to wear but can’t imagine that I would fit into any maternity clothes so can’t wait until I truly start showing so I can shop for some clothes!!  I am starting to feel lots better.  I am rarely ever nauseous now, my boobs are a little less sore, and at least since two weeks ago – I haven’t had another of those killer headaches (though I may have nipped a couple in the bud with the Fioricet).  I am still very, very tired though.  I am ready for the second trimester burst of energy.  Hopefully that happens while we are on our trip!  I really want to enjoy this trip since it will be the longest vacation I’ve taken in three years and the only vacation longer than a 3-day weekend that I’ve taken in a year!  And, it will be the last vacation before baby comes. 

            Stu and I picked out the theme for the nursery, I think it was the weekend after my second Dr.’s appointment….I think.   We went to Baby Depot in Burlington Coat Factory and found the cutest decorations called “Cuddlebugs”.  It is so cute – baby bugs (bees, grasshoppers, dragonflies, etc.) in yellow, green, blue, purple, and pink.  Perfect for either a boy or a girl.  We bought a crib comforter, bumper, headboard bumper, diaper bag, skirt, I think sheets, and a window curtain dealy.  I called Mom to tell her what we had picked out and she went that afternoon to buy another window dealy and the mobile that goes with our stuff!  Yeah!  Now all we need is a crib and changing table/dresser.  This weekend Stu hung the mini blinds and the curtain dealies.  Oh, and last week he painted the room a pale yellow.  It looks so cute in there; I stop to look for a few seconds every time I walk past the room.

            Stu and I went to Grand Old Day with Jen and Mike Bobbe today.  We learned they are trying to conceive.  I borrowed Jen “Before your Pregnancy” and “The Mother of all Baby Books” and talked to her a little about our TTC experience.  I wish I had had someone like me to talk to when I was going through that stage.  It was HARD for me!

July 6, 2004

            Once again, it’s been about a month since I’ve written.  So much has happened, I don’t know where to start!  First of all, we went on our trip and it was a blast!  So fun to hang out together 24/7 for a week and a half.  A long road trip like that was tough, though.  I was very tired and one night, went to bed at 6:30 and slept all night!  Stu and I both got very homesick a few days before we were scheduled to be home so we cut one day out of our itinerary (it was just going to be one more day of driving) and drove as far as we could stand it for the next two days so we could get home.  We got home at about 5:00 on Wednesday evening.  Stu took me to Olive Garden for dinner – I had been craving some good food our whole trip AND both of us forgot to get anything for each other for our 2 year anniversary J  I did get Stu a Father’s Day gift, though – I knew he was playing in a golf tournament the weekend we got back from our trip so I got him a $40 gift certificate to Golf Galaxy. 

            Symptom update: still get headaches now and then, my eyes are really bothering me – I think my prescription has changed since I’ve been pregnant.  I have to wear my reading glasses at work all the time when I’m working on the computer and I have ordered a new, larger monitor for work.  I am also thinking about making an appointment to have my eyes checked and get new contacts if necessary.  I am feeling a little more energetic but am still more tired each day than I was before becoming pregnant.  My boobs are a lot less sore but my nipples are very sensitive.  My tummy is getting a little bigger – but still doesn’t really look like a cute “baby belly”.  I am wearing all maternity and/or loose clothes now – anything else is too uncomfortable.

            I am waiting and waiting to truly feel the baby kick.  I feel strange flicks and pokes but everyone says that when you first feel the baby, it feels like a flutter so I don’t know if I’m feeling the baby or gas!  I am 17 weeks now so I should feel the baby for sure in the next three weeks.

            I think it was two weekends ago – Stu and I went to Cheese’s wedding on Friday and Melissa’s wedding on Saturday.  We got home from Melissa’s wedding at about 7:30 and went to bed at about 9:00.  Just before bed, I told Stu that my back was aching pretty badly – especially under my shoulder blades.  I figured I was tired from all the activity in the last few days and that a good night’s rest would help.  I snapped awake at about 12:45 in the morning because my whole chest and back hurt so bad, I could hardly stand it!  I got up and went to the bathroom and got a glass of water.  The pain seemed to abate somewhat.  Then, as soon as I laid down again, the pain got way worse and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.  The pain seemed to be radiating down my left arm and since I had had problems with heart palpitations before becoming pregnant, I was truly afraid I was having a heart attack.  I called the Medica nurse’s line and they told me to call the on-call Doctor.  I paged Dr. Hallman and he called back and told me to go straight to the ER.  Stu brought me right away and we were there from 1:30 until about 5:00.  It was very scary at first because one of the first things the ER doc asked me was if we had been on a road trip lately…now I remember, this was two weekends after we had returned from our trip.  I said that we had and he told me not to be alarmed but that he was very suspicious that I had formed a blood clot in my leg during the trip and that it had been thrown into my lungs.  But, they performed a chest X-ray, an ultrasound on my legs, and an EKG and couldn’t find anything wrong.  They gave me a codeine even though I told them it makes me puke and when that didn’t even touch the pain, they gave me a Vicodin with a prescription for more.  I got home, threw up, went to bed, slept for a few hours and then called my Mom and moved to the couch where I took another pain pill at 10:00 because the pain was beginning to return, but that was a mistake because I felt sick all day long.  Mom came over to see me and brought me a DVD called “Spellbound” about kids who compete in the National Spelling Bee and she brought me the audio tapes for the book, “The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” and our baby’s First Baby Book.  I just started filling that out tonight.  It is so cute!!  I felt well enough to go to work on Monday but was not feeling well at all by lunch so called Dick Roy and told him I wouldn’t be able to make it back in.  I rested for the remainder of the afternoon and listened to my audiotapes which were very interesting!!  Then Stu and I went to the neighborhood picnic, but I called in sick to Agility class.

            I have decided that I will not sign up for the next Agility class.  I always feel too tired and sick to truly enjoy it anymore and I don’t know if Rosko senses that but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it anymore either.  There was no class yesterday since it was the 4^th of July weekend so I have two more weeks.

            I signed up for prenatal classes tonight.  Starting in August, we will attend 5 sessions of Preparing for Childbirth, one session of Caring for your Newborn, and I will attend one session of Breastfeeding: Your Special Gift.

            I found out from two ladies at work that Medica covers a Medella breast pump for you…after Stu and I had bought a used one from a garage sale for $50 thinking we were getting a great deal because they are regularly 200-some dollars.  Crud.  I’m sure the first parenting mistake of many…hopefully none are too terrible!

August 4, 2004

            Well, a ton has happened since last time I wrote.  I did get my new, larger monitor at work, which has helped my eyes a ton.  The last time I wrote I was about 17 weeks along.   About a week or so after that, I realized the pokes I was feeling were truly the baby because I started feeling them more and more and a little harder.  Now I am 21 and a half weeks and I feel that baby move every day.  It is the coolest feeling.  I have felt it a couple of times from the outside but Stu hasn’t been able to feel it yet.  I seem to always feel the hardest kick and then call for him and then the baby doesn’t kick hard enough for Stu to feel anymore. 

            I never wrote yet that we have been decided on names for a few weeks now….or maybe I did write it earlier but I can’t remember (preggo brain).  If the baby is a girl, we will name her Keagan Louise.  If it’s a boy, we will name him Dominic Wallace.  Louise is my great-grandmother’s (on my mom’s side) name and Wallace is Stu’s dead grandfather’s (on his mom’s side) name. 

            Health update – no more headaches, not as tired – actually sometimes I feel pretty energetic but then I kind of crash if I push it, belly is getting bigger but still not “big”, two weeks ago we went for an ultrasound but our appointment had accidentally been deleted.  It was the same day that we got the announcement at work that they were going to lay about 250 people in St. Paul off.  We’ll know who’s going next week.  It had been a bit of an emotional day so when I found that our appointment wasn’t in the computer, I started to cry.  They told me they would do their best to get me in, at least to see Dr. Campbell.  They took me back to do weight, blood pressure, and urine and the nurse told me they were looking for someone to do an ultrasound.  Otherwise, the receptionist had told me I could make an appointment at one of the other sites for the next day (I had taken that Friday off).  I went to the bathroom to leave a urine sample and after collecting it, had to go XXXXXX.  I pushed kind of hard at one point and looked down to see that blood was flowing from me into the toilet!  I was scared but figured, if something bad was going to happen – at the Dr.’s office was the best place for it to be.  I wiped as best I could and then peeked out the door with my pants down so I wouldn’t bleed through everything and called for help.  No one came and it seemed as if the blood had pretty much stopped so I pulled up my pants and walked down the hall to find a nurse.  I told the nurse what happened and she said, “Girl, you are wrecking my day!”  I told her, “I’m having a pretty shitty day myself.”  They took Stu and I straight to the ultrasound room and a tech came in to see if I might have placenta previa.  She couldn’t tell for sure and went to consult Dr. Campbell.  He said he wouldn’t be able to tell either so they sent me to St. John’s Hospital that night to have a sonogram there.  We got a couple of cute pictures of the baby and the technician told us that the placenta looked low but not like placenta previa.  Whew!  We were relieved. 

            That weekend, we went to look for cribs.  We went to Treasure’s Island, Babies R Us, Wiggles and Giggles and Baby Depot.  We found the crib we wanted at Baby Depot but it was not in stock.  We went home to see if we could order it on line faster and cheaper but we couldn’t so the next day we went back and put in our order.  It should arrive in 6-8 weeks (or 6-12 weeks?).   While we were shopping on Saturday, since there is a Cold Stone Creamery right next to Wiggles and Giggles – we had some ice cream.  I think it’s the first time we have had Cold Stone since we found out I was pregnant so I thought it was very apropos.  Just before we stopped there, I noticed that there was something wrong with my right eye.  It looked like I had looked at the sun or the sun reflecting off of something and a line stayed in my eye.  It did not fade like a sun spot usually would and I started to get a little worried.  It seemed to get worse throughout the day and still wasn’t gone by Monday so I called Dr. Horner and asked to get in right away.  He saw me and found something on the back of my retina.  He sent me to a retinal specialist the next day – Dr. Dev.  Dr. Dev looked and thought he saw scar tissue.  He told me he wanted me to come back the next day for a second opinion but he couldn’t imagine how it had gotten there and couldn’t do a vegetable dye test to see if it was caused by an abnormal blood vessel.  He said that if it was scar tissue, I would have to have it removed after the baby was born.  They took pictures of it and I went back the next day to see Dr. Ryan.  Dr. Ryan looked at it and said he could see why Dr. Dev thought it was scar tissue but that it was actually in infarcted blood vessel causing swelling which would go down in about 6 weeks.  I saw Dr. Dev again yesterday and he said he could now barely see the tiny capillary that had become blocked.  I go back in another month to make certain the swelling is gone.  Because of this infarcted capillary, I had to have a blood test to make sure I didn’t have infarcted blood vessels in my baby’s placenta.   Dr. Campbell also tested me for lupus.  I got the results yesterday and they were negative – yeah, again!  

            Stu and I were up north last weekend from Friday through Monday.  It was really fun – we fished, laid out in the sun, ate, Cally and her boyfriend Nick came over on Saturday, I watched “The Butterfly Effect” on Sunday and even though we were planning on staying for half the day Monday – we came home because the passenger window had been broken out of our truck the night before and because I had caught some sort of flu bug on Friday and I had been having worse and worse diarrhea until I was up about 6 times Sunday night.  I am now on a “bland, dry” diet for 24 hours in order to try to stop the diarrhea.  It seems to be getting a little better but I am still not well yet.  I am starving!  I can’t wait for my body to correct itself so I can eat normally again. 

            I made it through work yesterday (until I left to go see Dr. Dev again) but today, I was sick of having to go potty at work so asked Joe if I could go home.  I have been resting all afternoon and I am feeling better.  Stu kept talking about how he had some shopping to do today that was none of my business (which means he’s shopping for me).  It’s about a month until my 25^th birthday so I figured he was shopping for my birthday present.  He left me laying on the couch at about 1:30 and came back about an hour later holding a bag.  He hemmed and hawed for a second and then said, “I was going to wait until your birthday but I think this will be better right now.”   At first I protested but then gave in and looked in the bag – he had gone to Kohl’s (one store we hadn’t checked for a maternity section yet) and bought me three maternity shirts and a pair of maternity jeans – all really cute stuff that fit well!  I was so excited!  I forgot to write earlier that my mom’s friend – Shelley (Anderson?) gave me a bunch of her maternity clothes because she was pregnant with her final child.  She had a baby boy in July so on Friday, I get the rest of her clothes that she was hanging on to until she had the baby.  I have also purchased myself two shirts for work, 3 casual t-shirts, and a maternity bathing suit.  I was running out of things to wear though so was so excited about Stu’s gift!!  He is a great husband – you know you are loved by a man when he can pick out cute clothes for you J  Getting tired now, will write more later.

September 16, 2004

Once again – it’s been a long time since I’ve written.  Not a whole lot of little things have happened – but a few BIG things.  Stu and I decided to refinance the house so we could get a fixed rate.  We also decided to take out $XXXXXXXXXXX so we could side the house, get new windows, and fix the front steps.  We have decided on a contractor, Finley Brees, a friend of my mom’s who will do the siding and windows but I am having trouble finding someone to do our front steps.  They all either want to charge $3000 to do it or, maybe because it’s such a little job and they don’t feel it’s worth their time, won’t call me back.  Oh well.  We meet with Finley tonight to finalize everything and pick out the siding and windows we want.  The new neighbors across the street, who bought the Killian’s house just put in new windows and they look great so I am very excited.  Finley is also going to install new front doors for us for free – we will purchase the doors ourselves.

Health update: The baby moves all the time now!  Stu has definitely felt it and thinks it’s pretty cool but the best for him so far was last weekend when the baby stuck out a foot or a hand or something and you could tell it was a body part.  Stu laughed and laughed and said, “That was so cool!”.  Still no more headaches.  My diarrhea cleared up in about a week so I can eat whatever I want now.  My back has been starting to ache every day.  I definitely need to sleep with my awesome pregnancy pillow – The Big V – that Stu ordered off the Internet for me.  My ankles have been pretty swollen for over a month now but Dr. Campbell says as long as I don’t have high blood pressure, it’s nothing to worry about.  So far I have gained a total of about 20 pounds.  Just exactly where I should be.  All of a sudden about 3 weeks ago (I will be 28 weeks this Saturday) I noticed that my left boob had leaked a tiny bit of white stuff on the inside of my bra.  My right boob had leaked a little, too, but not as much as the left.  It is just a teensy amount, but enough where I need to wipe off the inside of my bra each night and wash my bra each week.  I wonder when I will start leaking worse?  Now, the bad part (cuz with me, there always has to be one).  On Sunday (today is Thursday), Stu and I XXXXXXX – which always causes my uterus to contract.  Usually it goes away but on Sunday I continued to contract every 10 minutes or so for an hour.  I called the hospital and they said to monitor it for another hour.  It continued that way with some contractions as close as 2 minutes.  St. John’s said I should come in to be evaluated but they were full so they had called ahead to United and they were expecting us.  We went and got hooked up to a heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor.  After about 6 contractions in an hour, the nurse came into say that the on-call Dr. for Metro suggested giving me a shot of Tributaline to get my uterus to relax.  That helped but she said I’d have to be on 100% bedrest until the next day when I needed to go to the Dr. and have a fetal Fibronectin test done.  This test tells you whether you will go into labor within the next two weeks or not.  Thankfully, the next morning I heard the results were negative.  I had an appointment the next day, Wednesday, and the nurse who called with the results (Sue) said to stay on bedrest until I talked to the nurse (Deb) the next day.  I talked to Deb about pre-term labor (for about 1 minute since we both agreed I was already an expert), she told me that the glucose test the other nurse had just told me I had failed, I had actually passed – so I didn’t have to go to St. John’s to do the 3 hour test!  Hooray!  Then she said that since the fFN test was negative and I had been feeling better with no more regular contractions (I still have quite a few each day) that I could got back to work half days Thursday (today) and Friday and then a full day on Monday.  I made it through this morning just fine but was a little tired out from being so stressed about every contraction or gas pain or whatever I felt and all the work that had piled up since I was out.  I brought some work home, though, and I feel ok now. 

We got our crib and dresser/changing table probably 3 weeks after we ordered it.  Stu bought a 2-shelf bookcase from Target that matches pretty well and he moved the rocker from the living room into the nursery.  It is all set up and waiting for Baby Stewart!

We are now not 100% sure about the boy’s name so have agreed on a couple alternatives to consider once he’s born (if it’s a boy).  I figure we’ll look at him and decide which name he most resembles.

Stu has started football season and so is very busy.  But he is awesome when he is home and spends as much time as possible with me.  I have gone to both his games so far (both of which they have won) and am hoping that I will feel up to going to the one tomorrow.  I love going and feel like Stu and I can talk about that part of his life more if I am somehow a part of it.

Will write again soon. 

December 5, 2004

            Oh boy, I am so bad at keeping journals.  It has now been so long since I’ve written – I don’t know if I’ll be able to remember it all!!  Well, since last I wrote, all of our home improvements have been completed.  We have new windows, new siding and soffets and facia, a new dishwasher and new front doors.  Stu fixed the front stairs himself so we didn’t hire anyone to replace them.  The same day we had the dishwasher installed, a pipe broke and it flooded the kitchen and a small part of the basement – but we got that cleaned up and the handyman who did the work – Glen – came back and installed shut off valves and a new piece of wood to divide the kitchen floor and the carpet in the dining room.

            Health update – after September, I really didn’t have very many problems at all.  No headaches, no more diarrhea, no terrible backaches.  I did have more pre-term labor at about 35 weeks, which was stopped at St. John’s with a muscle relaxer.  Boy, did that stuff work well.  We went to Joe’s afterward to watch part of the Vikings game and I felt like a drugged weirdo.  Now, we are just anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby Stewart!  I am 39 weeks today and after the two instances of pre-term labor, I thought for sure I’d have the baby earlier than later, but alas, no baby yet.  I have had tons of contractions the last 3 days and an annoying lower backache that comes and goes and got so bad this afternoon that I was starting to really feel sorry for myself.  But, I relaxed on the couch and Stu rubbed my lower back for me and I ate supper (I made Great Aunt Dorothy’s potato, hamburger, cheese hotdish) and I now feel much better.  Oh, one strange thing to remember about the end of this pregnancy – three times now I have had a major XXXXXXXXX I guess I’ll call it.  I get horrible XXX pains and sit on the toilet trying to go but nothing comes except a little gas and my right leg always falls asleep.  I finally give up, go sit still for a while and then come back and try later and usually am able to go ok and then I feel better.  However, today I had an attack, came back later to go and as I type I am starting to have pain again so I am going to go to the bathroom again.  Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx..  The pain feels like XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  I asked the nurse about this last time I went to the doctor (I couldn’t see Dr. Campbell because he was sick the previous time and then I needed to get in before Thursday, which is the only day he works at the Maplewood clinic) and she suggested that the baby’s head is so far down, it might be pressing on my bowels and making it harder for everything to move through.  She suggested I start taking Colace.  I took one for two days last week and I didn’t have that pain, but the poo didn’t seem any “looser” so I quit taking it (the bottle says you’re not supposed to take it for more than three days in a row without talking to your doctor, anyway).  Now, today, after this attack I took two so hopefully this won’t happen tomorrow.

            Mike and Jen Bobbe, Stu, and I all carved pumpkins together the weekend before Halloween and the Bobbe’s announced they are pregnant!  Jen also gave me a pedicure that night since I could no longer reach my toes at that point!  I think Jen was about 8 weeks at that time so now she is about 14 weeks.  I heard from Mike that she had an episode of bleeding last week but I think she is ok now.  I’m sure it will be fine.

            Fun things to remember:

·       I ate a LOT of flavored oatmeal and Oreos and milk while I was pregnant with this baby.

·       At about 26 weeks or so, the baby chose its position in my belly and has basically stayed that way ever since.  The head has been down ever since then, the back curves along the right side of my belly and it’s feet poke out the left side of my belly. 

·       I knew when the baby dropped.  It was overnight from a Sunday to a Monday when I was 35 weeks.  The baby not only dropped but turned around so that it’s feet where poking out my right side.  But a day later, it flipped back around to its favorite position again.

·       This seems to be a very active baby.  I don’t have anything to compare it to but I would say it is moving and kicking and squirming and pushing more often than it is just lying still.

·       My first internal exam, when I was having preterm labor at about 28 weeks, I was 1 cm dilated.  My second exam when I was having preterm labor at about 35 weeks, I was 2 cm dilated and 60-70%.  I was checked again at about 37 and 38 weeks and I stayed at 2 cm and 60-70% effaced, even though I had been having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions.  At each of those last two checks though; I was told that the baby’s head is very far down.  The last check I had (at about 38 weeks), I asked what station the baby was at and Nurse Sue told me it is at a 0, almost +1 and that once it’s time for me to push, I won’t have to push for very long.

·       This baby had tons of hiccups

·       For about the last month or so, the baby has been pressing its butt into my right lower ribs and it’s feet into my left lower ribs and its head down into my XXXXXX!

We are still undecided about a boy’s name – we used to be sure about Dominic Wallace but then we thought about Maxwell John and now Stu says he doesn’t really like how those two sound together, so we’re thinking Maxwell Jacob or Maxwell Joseph.

I had THREE baby showers!  The first one was a joint shower with my coworker Gretchen Selberg who was due three weeks before me.  I think her baby will be three weeks this week.  She had a baby boy – Berik W. Leo Selberg (I think Leo was the second last name).  Apparently the W. stands for three grandpa’s whose names all start with “W”.  She had him by C-section because he was breech.  Randy and Joey Hayne threw this shower at their house in North Oaks.  It was very fun!  My Mom threw my next shower at her house and it was for all my family, Stu’s family, and my friends.  It was the most fun shower I had.  Nikki planned the games!  The last shower I had was thrown by Laurie Welsh and was for my friends from Customer Service.  It was held at the Green Mill and my mom was invited, too.  That one was also very fun.  It was really neat to get together with my Customer Service friends again.

I think that Rosko is now realizing that something is changing.  He is very affectionate lately and is constantly sticking his head into my lap to be pet.

Thanksgiving was fun this year – we decided that trying to go to all three family’s Thanksgiving’s was just too hard so we told everyone we’d have to switch off years.  Since we ate at the Stewart’s last year and spent the most time over there – just visited my Mom’s and the Frantz’s quick, we decided to eat at my Mom’s this year.  There was going to be hardly anyone at the Frantz’s so Chris suggested to Grandma and Joanie that the Frantz Thanksgiving be held on Sunday instead of Thursday, so we did end up stopping over there.  We played Balderdash at my Mom’s and I laughed so hard, I peed my pants a little and was thinking my water might have broken :)

Well, I am going to get ready for bed and wait another night for Baby Stewart to come….