In the midst of it all, I'm blessed
In my previous post, I lamented the things that have been so terribly hard in my life in the past 15 years. I noted the possibility that these things had happened to me because God was getting me used to change. I was reflecting this morning that not only have I become more used to and accepting of change because of the life I've had but I believe that God is constantly nudging us, desiring for us to draw closer to Him and, in the rear view mirror, I can see that's exactly what God has done in my life.
I started out saying: "In the last 15 years I graduated from college, got a full time job at Guidant, got married, became a manager at Guidant, moved to a new department at Guidant, got pregnant, had a baby...." While that time in my life was quite exhausting and stressful, that baby I got pregnant with was an answer to fervent prayers. Stu and I tried for a year to get pregnant with no success. I have desired to be a mom since I was a little girl and it made me very sad each month I wasn't pregnant. The moves within the company were stretches for me. When I became a manager, I not only learned a lot about managing people but also about being a "managed" employee which has helped me in my thus-far 15 year career with the company. When the opportunity came to leave the department I loved, I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I knew very little about the work I'd be doing and knew none of the people in the department. But I forged ahead because my boss assured me it was a good career move. And it was; but it was also the best thing I could have done for my marriage and eventual family. I moved from a department with very little flexibility (due to the call-center nature of the job) to a department that was and is incredibly flexible. Within a month of taking the new job, I was pregnant. God does answer prayers and he shapes us each day for what is to come!
"... my father-in-law died suddenly of a heart attack, got pregnant again..." Stu and I and the whole family were devastated when Ed died. Max was only 6 months old and Ed was so excited to be a grandpa. It was terrible that Ed was going to miss out on the rest of Max's earthly life. But again, I felt God drawing me near. One thing Ed and I enjoyed together was reading the "Left Behind" series and then discussing what the fictional books had to say about the End Times. I knew that Ed was a Christian and although we all missed him and still miss him dearly, I pictured him in Heaven with Jesus. Ed's death opened up my young 20-something mind to the reality that we don't live forever and some of us die younger than others and helped me "grow up" a little. Stu and I started taking Max to church more frequently and in our grief, we ended up conceiving another baby. My daughter Ryann is such an amazing blessing to us. God is with us in our grief and fear and sadness and gives us good things!
"...dropped down from a 40 hour work week to 32 hours a week, had my third baby when my oldest was three and a half..." When Ryann was about 2 years old, I was struggling to balance a 40 hour work week and my home life. My mom had lovingly cared for Max as an infant, one day a week but when Ryann went to "Grammie's daycare" at about 3 months old, it was a little too much for my mom to take on. I don't blame her one bit! Max was only 18 months old and caring for a toddler and a newborn is the stuff of crazy people (like me). My angelic daycare provider, Deanna, offered to take both kids for the 5 day work week temporarily and I wrote up a flexible work-life arrangement proposal, requesting to drop down to 32 hours a week. Miraculously, my boss accepted the proposal. No one has been allowed a part time position since then.
I desperately wanted more babies and Stu finally agreed to try for one more. Our compromise was that we would try for a third baby, ONCE (as in, one month), and if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. I prayed every night that God would either bless me with a child or, if not, that He would help me to be ok with the fact that I was not going to have any more children. So although it was sheer madness for a while there, having three children under the age of three and a half, Adam is also an amazing, miraculous blessing to our family. And Stu is so grateful for Adam, even though he was unsure about having more than two children. God works miracles!!
I started out saying: "In the last 15 years I graduated from college, got a full time job at Guidant, got married, became a manager at Guidant, moved to a new department at Guidant, got pregnant, had a baby...." While that time in my life was quite exhausting and stressful, that baby I got pregnant with was an answer to fervent prayers. Stu and I tried for a year to get pregnant with no success. I have desired to be a mom since I was a little girl and it made me very sad each month I wasn't pregnant. The moves within the company were stretches for me. When I became a manager, I not only learned a lot about managing people but also about being a "managed" employee which has helped me in my thus-far 15 year career with the company. When the opportunity came to leave the department I loved, I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I knew very little about the work I'd be doing and knew none of the people in the department. But I forged ahead because my boss assured me it was a good career move. And it was; but it was also the best thing I could have done for my marriage and eventual family. I moved from a department with very little flexibility (due to the call-center nature of the job) to a department that was and is incredibly flexible. Within a month of taking the new job, I was pregnant. God does answer prayers and he shapes us each day for what is to come!
"... my father-in-law died suddenly of a heart attack, got pregnant again..." Stu and I and the whole family were devastated when Ed died. Max was only 6 months old and Ed was so excited to be a grandpa. It was terrible that Ed was going to miss out on the rest of Max's earthly life. But again, I felt God drawing me near. One thing Ed and I enjoyed together was reading the "Left Behind" series and then discussing what the fictional books had to say about the End Times. I knew that Ed was a Christian and although we all missed him and still miss him dearly, I pictured him in Heaven with Jesus. Ed's death opened up my young 20-something mind to the reality that we don't live forever and some of us die younger than others and helped me "grow up" a little. Stu and I started taking Max to church more frequently and in our grief, we ended up conceiving another baby. My daughter Ryann is such an amazing blessing to us. God is with us in our grief and fear and sadness and gives us good things!
"...dropped down from a 40 hour work week to 32 hours a week, had my third baby when my oldest was three and a half..." When Ryann was about 2 years old, I was struggling to balance a 40 hour work week and my home life. My mom had lovingly cared for Max as an infant, one day a week but when Ryann went to "Grammie's daycare" at about 3 months old, it was a little too much for my mom to take on. I don't blame her one bit! Max was only 18 months old and caring for a toddler and a newborn is the stuff of crazy people (like me). My angelic daycare provider, Deanna, offered to take both kids for the 5 day work week temporarily and I wrote up a flexible work-life arrangement proposal, requesting to drop down to 32 hours a week. Miraculously, my boss accepted the proposal. No one has been allowed a part time position since then.
I desperately wanted more babies and Stu finally agreed to try for one more. Our compromise was that we would try for a third baby, ONCE (as in, one month), and if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. I prayed every night that God would either bless me with a child or, if not, that He would help me to be ok with the fact that I was not going to have any more children. So although it was sheer madness for a while there, having three children under the age of three and a half, Adam is also an amazing, miraculous blessing to our family. And Stu is so grateful for Adam, even though he was unsure about having more than two children. God works miracles!!
"...had my youngest go temporarily blind from fast-growing cataracts that developed at the age of 2, nursed him through 2 major eye surgeries... " This time in our life was absolutely terrifying and was yet another season in my life where God was showing me that no matter how hard I try to order my life, be a good girl, and do everything right, I am not in charge and things will happen that I cannot fix no matter what. God made Himself known when we cried out to Him, not knowing for sure where to turn and a physician referred us to the amazing Dr. Erick Bothun at the University of Minnesota on the same day that Deanna called me at work to tell me she had a friend whose baby was born with a cataract and they highly recommended the Godly Dr. Bothun who prayed with them before their daughter's surgery, that God would guide his hands and preserve her sight. God is good and there for us even in the most stressful, harrowing circumstances!
"...suffered from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks and took temporary leave from work to go through outpatient treatment..." Although God was constantly urging me to accept the fact that I needed to lean on Him to be my best and feel most peaceful, I continued to try to be Superwoman and do everything ON MY OWN THANKYOUVERYMUCH and it finally stopped working. I was physically unable to continue on as I had been. I had to admit to my boss and my company that I needed to take a break and that when I returned, I could not continue to work at a break neck pace. Strangely enough, this was met with zero resistance and all the support I could never have dreamed of. God showed Himself to me again when my friend recommended her amazing psychiatrist who she said "saved her life". I tried to get in with him and he was not accepting new patients. Shortly thereafter, my mom had to take me to the emergency room because of a terrible panic attack and when the ER doctors asked who I'd like to see, I gave Dr. Koller's name and, miraculously, he took me on! Dr. Koller spent hours with me, even staying late into the evening one night when I became suicidal and referred me to an outpatient treatment program. My experience at the outpatient treatment program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital was something I'd never change. The therapists who continue to be in my life are such a blessing to me. Unknowingly at the time, I was preparing for my mother's death. There were some childhood things I needed to work out with her that we dealt with just as she was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was my champion in life and, in her absence, my therapists are some of my replacement champions. They genuinely love me and want me to be and feel my very best. God didn't miraculously cure me of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Instead, he blessed me with the tools I need to lean on Him and take care of myself!
"... began fostering dogs, started my own non-profit 501c3 animal rescue, fostered many dogs and some kittens, had some wonderful and some awful experiences while running Diamonds in the Ruff..." In a time when my anxiety was still coming under control, God urged me to use my gift from Him of wanting to love and care for others. I was able to focus on nursing helpless animals back to their best physical and emotional health while I was being healed, too. I have so much more confidence in my ability to achieve whatever I put my mind to after starting up, running, and shutting down Diamonds in the Ruff. I met some amazing people and felt such love and support from so many friends, family members, and coworkers who helped me save the animals (financially and with their time and moral support). God put people and situations in my life to help me remember that although the devil continues, to this day, to whisper in my ear that the world would be better off without me, that's not true. I'm needed here and I help do God's work on earth.
And then I lost my mom. And there were lots of amazing ways I saw God moving in that. She and I hurried to shore up our relationship with one another before she was gone. My mom's unwavering faith, bravery, humor, and positive attitude touched many of her caretakers and maybe even changed some of their lives. I savor each day and am a better mother to my kids and I remember the wonderful things my mom did for me growing up with more fondness and appreciation than before. I think of my mom daily and since I know she's in Heaven, I end up thinking of God daily. I talk to both of them, telling my mom how much I miss her and sharing things with her. And I talk to God, asking him to take good care of my mom until I see her again. The loss of my mom has drawn me closer to God than ever before, not because I feel I need to be a good Christian so I can go to Heaven and be with my mom but simply because I appreciate the crazy life that God has given me, I listen to Him more, and truly want to be in a relationship with Him.
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