I did my best, I did my best, I did my best

Apparently, it's common for those who have cared for their dying loved ones to have regrets and feel like they didn't do it "right".  It's fading now but for a long time after my mom died, the 7 weeks I spent caring for her almost 24/7 was seared into my brain and I felt two ways about that time.  I was so grateful that I was with my mom, trying my best to comfort her and care for her in every way imaginable for the last days of her life and I hated a lot of it.  I didn't want to watch her waste away and I most definitely did not want to watch the very last moments of her life and see my mom die.  But I also couldn't leave her alone so I did what I had to do.  I wish I had never gotten frustrated with my mom and yelled at her and denied her some of the things she wanted (like the time when we battled over whether she was going to wear diapers or use her bedside commode).  I wish (but I actually don't) that I would have cried with her more, told her how afraid I was, and begged her to comfort me and tell me more about how she was feeling (emotionally).  I didn't do those things because I didn't want to make her more afraid then I'm sure she already was.  My mom was an incredibly faithful woman and knew she was going to Heaven but I'm sure that doesn't take away all the fear of the unknown.  The grief counselor I saw suggested that instead of focussing on the things I regret, to make a list of all the things I DID for my mom.  So, here goes:

• I went to many of my mom's doctor's appointments and held her hands and coached her through pain and panic attacks while she had fluid drained from her chest
• For the last 6 months of my mom's life, I brought her meals several times a week and for a while, before she stopped eating solid food, I brought her a plate of whatever we had for supper, every night
• In that same timeframe, I did most of my mom's grocery shopping and would even go, on her whim, for things like fresh coconuts from the Asian market down the street
• I went to the appointment where my mom admitted to the pain doctor that she probably needed to start the process of getting hospice care
• I told my mom how much I loved her over and over and when she tried to tell me she'd made mistakes and wasn't a good mom, I reassured her that we all make mistakes and she was the very best mom
• I am 5'5" and my mom was 5'11" and probably weighed 170 pounds towards the end of her life. Every 30-90 minutes day in and day out for seven weeks, I transferred my mom from bed to commode to wheelchair to easy chair to wheelchair to bed to commode to bed to wheelchair to easy chair, and on and on.  The poor thing had the urge to pee all.the.time
• I dressed and undressed my mom, sponge bathed her and washed her hair with water and with dry shampoo
• I held the same red bowl while my mom brushed her teeth and while she vomited into it, many times
• I learned how much toothpaste my mom preferred on her toothbrush (a lot) and how dry she wanted her hair after it was washed (bone dry)
• I changed bed sheets and did laundry
• I brought popsicles (never grape) and tapioca pudding and Jello whenever my mom could stomach it
• I did dishes
• I rubbed my mom's feet with lotion when her pain meds didn't help anymore
• I pushed her wheelchair around and around and around her condo when she was so restless and panicked that she couldn't sit still but she was too weak to walk
• I was her advocate and refused to give her the meds that made her hallucinate and become incredibly agitated even though the nurses insisted that if we just tripled the dose, she would be more comfortable
• I was her advocate and sent away nurses who were crummy and stayed the night instead, even if that sometimes meant I would have been awake and caring for her for 24 hours at a time
• I bore it when my mom screamed at me and accused me of drugging her and told me she didn't trust me and wouldn't take any meds from me and would wait until my aunt got there because only she could be trusted to give her the meds my mom wanted to take (she was out of her mind from a drug that she reacted badly to)
• I held my mom's hand and talked to her for the last hours of her life, reassuring her that we were all going to be ok and that she didn't need to worry about not being physically present while her grandchildren grew up because I would always talk about what Grammie did or would have done or would have said.  Even though she was unconscious, I'm sure she heard me.
• I accepted help from friends and asked them to bring meals to my own family since I wasn't there to care for them
• I took some little bits of time for myself and insisted a nurse would have to stay for the night so I could go home and sleep
• I managed the schedule for my mom's caretakers and always knew who was coming, when
• I tried to keep my sister, who lives out of town, in the loop as much as possible
• I tried to respect all my mom's wishes and even though she briefly thought she might need to go to a hospice facility, when she got there and realized she hated it, my aunt and I worked our butts off and got her right back home two days later
• I called my mom's favorite pastor and asked him to come pray with her and share communion with us all
• I watched an episode of "Real Housewives" with my mom one night, early on during the time she was sick and when one of the characters on the show told how her mom died and she lifted her mom's body from the casket to hug it, I told my mom I would never do that to her :)  She laughed
• I made my mom laugh as much as I could
• I didn't tell her every detail of what we knew
• I drew up syringes of medicine and learned to crush pills and mix them with Jello or water
• I learned which meds she could tolerate and which she couldn't
• I ran to the pharmacy when needed to get over the counter things that we thought might help with her discomfort 
• When she couldn't eat anymore, I always asked to make sure it was ok if I stayed in the room with her while I ate meals.  Eventually, she admitted to my grandma that it made her hungry and sad when I ate in the room so even though I wanted to be with her every second she was awake, I started eating my meals in the dining room instead of her bedroom
• I arranged my mom's pillows around her over and over and over to get them just right
• I listened for her bell and came running when I'd hear it ring
• I learned how high to raise the head of her adjustable bed so I could have it up as soon as she was lying down so she didn't feel like she was suffocating from lying flat on the bed.
• I turned the inflatable mattress that helped avoid bed sores on and off when my mom asked me to
• When the cat chewed holes in the tubing for the air mattress, I taped the tubes completely with black electrical tape to stop the air from leaking out
• I changed the kitty litter box
• I took out the garbage
• I offered to pick up lunch for my sister and aunt and grandma
• I briefed every nurse and caretaker who came and ensured they understood how/what drugs to administer and when, how to fill out the brilliant schedule my aunt created, how my mom needed her pillows arranged so she could sleep, and how to hold her so as not to cause pain while assisting her from the bed to the commode to the wheelchair to the easy chair and back
• I trimmed, filed, and painted my mom's nails
• I kept the grandfather clock wound and the pendulum swinging
• I watered my mom's beloved flowers on her deck
• I was as nice as possible to the good nurses, hoping they'd want to return
• I cleaned out her commode over and over and over
• I went and got the book that was the right thickness and slid it under my mom's feet when she was sitting on the commode and feeling constipated
• I changed diapers
• I wiped my mom's body with body wash wipes
• I brought her the face wipes she liked and threw them all away when she was done washing with them
• I learned which undies and t-shirts were her favorite and made sure they were clean and ready for her to wear (Hello Kitty were faves)
• I made sure her peacock fleece blanket was always with her wherever she was sitting or lying
• I moved her oxygen exchanger and "Alexa" from the bedroom to the living room when she felt well enough to sit in there
• I tried to keep her condo as neat and organized as she preferred so that when she did come out from her bedroom, she wasn't greeted with a terrible mess
• I thanked her neighbors for coming by and bringing flowers, cards, and little treats
• I brought my mom her mail to go through every day
• I called my sister on FaceTime when it seemed appropriate so she could talk to my mom
• I cleaned my mom's enormous fish tank

In my own critical mind, I wasn't the perfect caregiver for my mom but I bet if you asked her, she'd say I was.