Dinner Delights and some Deep Thoughts
I've blogged before about funny "car conversations" I've had with the kids. Well tonight we had some frivolity during our dinner conversation. This Thursday is Dino-Dad night at Adam's preschool. Adam is beyond excited and also has quite the imagination. He posed the question - What if I got left at preschool all by myself? I responded, "Yeah? Where would you sleep?" Right away he answered On the roof! Then changed his mind and said No, in the sensory table! (He loves the sensory table at school and his adorable pronunciation of "sensowy tabue" slays me). Then, because everything in our house lately simply must circle back to bathroom talk, he decided he'd most likely sleep in the toilet.
Max got in on the action and asked if we remembered the sensory table from his preschool. We talked about the table for a bit and then I said, "You sure loved preschool, didn't you? It was really fun, huh?" Max matter of factly stated, "Yeah...while it lasted. Then came Kindergarten and I had to start learning more stuff." Ain't that the truth baby?
Ryann wrote and illustrated a book for me this week. I'll scan and share it soon. She did an excellent job and when I asked her how come she can write a book but can't quite read one yet, she got an amazed look on her face and said, "I don't know?!!" She also drew a picture of me the other morning. Her most important questions were whether I'd like to be portrayed wearing a necklace and if I'd like to be saying something. Right away I responded I'd like a necklace and to be saying "It's going to be a good day". She forgot the necklace but remembered the speech bubble. Stu helped her spell the words since I was at a class I've been taking recently. I am busy working on getting myself to the healthiest Sheri-state possible. And let me tell you, it's hard-ass work. Ryann's picture is in my folder and I take it out to look at it several times a day.
While driving Ryann to dance class tonight, I was enjoying some new music I'd added to my iPad and thinking about who I really am...at my core. Sometimes in the everyday busyness of being a mom and a wife and a daughter and a granddaughter and a sister and a worker and a friend and especially in the traumas of life - the threat of possible blindness for your baby, the tragic, senseless, frightening, needless death of a best girlfriend's little brother, the loss of a fur-baby, the absolute tragedy of a family member taking their own life on Christmas night, your own searing internal pain that no one can understand no matter how many times you try to explain, the fear and disappointment of not getting relief from the pain and sometimes trying treatments that make things even worse for months on end....one can get really lost. But I'm remembering who Sheri is.
At my very core, underneath the pain and hurt and confusion:
- My cup spilleth over with Love. Love for God and appreciation for the people and situations He's placed in my path these tough past several years. Love for my family and friends. Love of puppies and kitties and horses and good books and beautiful or just catchy music. All my past loves who still hold places in my heart. Love of fresh sheets on the bed and aromatic candle scent in the house. Love of bubble baths and birdsong in the spring and summer mornings. Love of the warm sun beating down on my body. Love of swimming in a clean lake or heated, chlorine-smelling pool. Love of being pregnant and bearing babies. Love of holding freshly born babies. Love of photography. Love of Love (I love me a good wedding).
- I am a good mom. I try my best every day. I fail sometimes and am ok with that because I know I'm doing the best I can.
- I am a good wife. Sometimes I fail but it's ok because I'm trying the best I can.
- I am a good person. I am accepting of other people no matter their skin color, their religion, their income, their Loves.
- People like me and want to be my friend.
- I want people to like me but am learning that I don't have to compromise myself in order to be liked.
- I'm a perfectionist working to dial it back a bit...or a whole lot. It's a hard habit to break.
- For a long time, I thought I was in control, thought I needed to be in control. I'm slowly learning I'm not in control and life will be more pleasant when I stop trying to be in control. It's a hard habit to break.
- I seem to have broken the habit of biting my nails...most of the time.
- I recently got test results with confirmation of something I've always "known". I am a slow metabolizer of drugs and so am very sensitive to most medications.
- I inherited a propensity for anxiety and depression but I am NOT "anxiety and depression".
Even just skin-deep, I'm special:
- I inherited very easily stretched skin so bear tiger-striped stretch marks and the saggy-baggy elephant skin of a mother three times over (even after losing nearly 30 pounds over the past 10 months - no flat tummy for this lady).
- I burn easily in a tanning bed.
- I scar easily and so have visible memories of bike falls, wall crashes, foot gouges, and roller blading incidents.
- I have amazingly blue-ish eyes that change color with my moods or depending on the color of the clothing I wear.
All this to say that this time in my life feels like a sort of metamorphosis...except I'm not morphing into someone brand new. I'm trying to get to the real Sheri God means for me to be.
And when I get there A. It will be a dream come true and B. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo to remind me of this terrible path I've dragged, scraped, and clawed my way to the end of.
I'll keep you posted....or maybe not...depending on what I feel like sharing when the time comes.
Thanks for reading and for understanding (if you do).
Max got in on the action and asked if we remembered the sensory table from his preschool. We talked about the table for a bit and then I said, "You sure loved preschool, didn't you? It was really fun, huh?" Max matter of factly stated, "Yeah...while it lasted. Then came Kindergarten and I had to start learning more stuff." Ain't that the truth baby?
Ryann wrote and illustrated a book for me this week. I'll scan and share it soon. She did an excellent job and when I asked her how come she can write a book but can't quite read one yet, she got an amazed look on her face and said, "I don't know?!!" She also drew a picture of me the other morning. Her most important questions were whether I'd like to be portrayed wearing a necklace and if I'd like to be saying something. Right away I responded I'd like a necklace and to be saying "It's going to be a good day". She forgot the necklace but remembered the speech bubble. Stu helped her spell the words since I was at a class I've been taking recently. I am busy working on getting myself to the healthiest Sheri-state possible. And let me tell you, it's hard-ass work. Ryann's picture is in my folder and I take it out to look at it several times a day.
While driving Ryann to dance class tonight, I was enjoying some new music I'd added to my iPad and thinking about who I really am...at my core. Sometimes in the everyday busyness of being a mom and a wife and a daughter and a granddaughter and a sister and a worker and a friend and especially in the traumas of life - the threat of possible blindness for your baby, the tragic, senseless, frightening, needless death of a best girlfriend's little brother, the loss of a fur-baby, the absolute tragedy of a family member taking their own life on Christmas night, your own searing internal pain that no one can understand no matter how many times you try to explain, the fear and disappointment of not getting relief from the pain and sometimes trying treatments that make things even worse for months on end....one can get really lost. But I'm remembering who Sheri is.
At my very core, underneath the pain and hurt and confusion:
- My cup spilleth over with Love. Love for God and appreciation for the people and situations He's placed in my path these tough past several years. Love for my family and friends. Love of puppies and kitties and horses and good books and beautiful or just catchy music. All my past loves who still hold places in my heart. Love of fresh sheets on the bed and aromatic candle scent in the house. Love of bubble baths and birdsong in the spring and summer mornings. Love of the warm sun beating down on my body. Love of swimming in a clean lake or heated, chlorine-smelling pool. Love of being pregnant and bearing babies. Love of holding freshly born babies. Love of photography. Love of Love (I love me a good wedding).
- I am a good mom. I try my best every day. I fail sometimes and am ok with that because I know I'm doing the best I can.
- I am a good wife. Sometimes I fail but it's ok because I'm trying the best I can.
- I am a good person. I am accepting of other people no matter their skin color, their religion, their income, their Loves.
- People like me and want to be my friend.
- I want people to like me but am learning that I don't have to compromise myself in order to be liked.
- I'm a perfectionist working to dial it back a bit...or a whole lot. It's a hard habit to break.
- For a long time, I thought I was in control, thought I needed to be in control. I'm slowly learning I'm not in control and life will be more pleasant when I stop trying to be in control. It's a hard habit to break.
- I seem to have broken the habit of biting my nails...most of the time.
- I recently got test results with confirmation of something I've always "known". I am a slow metabolizer of drugs and so am very sensitive to most medications.
- I inherited a propensity for anxiety and depression but I am NOT "anxiety and depression".
Even just skin-deep, I'm special:
- I inherited very easily stretched skin so bear tiger-striped stretch marks and the saggy-baggy elephant skin of a mother three times over (even after losing nearly 30 pounds over the past 10 months - no flat tummy for this lady).
- I burn easily in a tanning bed.
- I scar easily and so have visible memories of bike falls, wall crashes, foot gouges, and roller blading incidents.
- I have amazingly blue-ish eyes that change color with my moods or depending on the color of the clothing I wear.
All this to say that this time in my life feels like a sort of metamorphosis...except I'm not morphing into someone brand new. I'm trying to get to the real Sheri God means for me to be.
And when I get there A. It will be a dream come true and B. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo to remind me of this terrible path I've dragged, scraped, and clawed my way to the end of.
I'll keep you posted....or maybe not...depending on what I feel like sharing when the time comes.
Thanks for reading and for understanding (if you do).
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