How we keep our marriage strong
In honor of Valentine's Day....
I am really proud of the fact that Stu and I have managed to maintain a relatively strong marriage over the past nearly nine years. Every marriage has their ups and downs and we are certainly no exception. Stu and I have been together for 15 and a half years (we met in high school and married the year after I graduated from college). In those years, we finished high school, attended the same college, cheered each other through sports and academic struggles and successes, got jobs, changed jobs, got promotions, feared losing our jobs, purchased a house, renovated a house, had three babies in quick succession, grieved the loss of Stu's dad who passed away suddenly and far too young, bought and sold numerous cars and trucks, dealt with devastating personal issues, traveled together a little bit, got new pets, had pets die (lots of fish and snails pass through this house), and now we are in the thick of struggling to raise up three young people right. This task can be all-consuming and, at times, completely soul-sucking. I am a Psychology major and I minored in Family Studies but it doesn't take a diploma to be aware of the potential pitfall of throwing yourselves so completely into raising your children, that once that stage in your life is complete, you realize you've neglected to nurture your husband-wife relationship for 20+ years and now you don't know what to do with each other anymore. Without ever specifically acknowledging it, Stu and I do a few things to make sure that we stay connected and nurture our relationship so that we have something special that is just between the two of us - that began long before any Maxie's, Ry's, or Adam's were even a twinkle in our eyes, and that will last long after they are launched from our family to lead their own lives. Here are some of the things that we do:
1. Every day, we kiss each other at least once. Often, we touch each other in passing - sometimes just on the arm, sometimes it's a pat on the rear or a really friendly hug or neck nuzzle. Sometimes during the neck nuzzle, we'll whisper sweet nothings in the other's ear (or maybe steamy promises for later). We can do most of these things right in front of the kids but it is something just for us and between us.
2. Many times during the week, after getting the kids tucked in bed, Stu and I bust out our secret stash of ice cream. This ice cream is off-limits for the kids. They rarely have ice cream but Stu and I have a bowl together several times a week. While we savor our secret treat together, we chat, look at things on the Internet together (like houses or trucks we dream of buying), or watch our favorite TV shows that we've DVR'ed.
3. I've read lots of marriage advice that says couples should be going on dates once a week to have time for themselves. Well, at this point, having children who are 6, nearly 5, and nearly 3, this is a ridiculous notion. Stu and I have a date maybe once a month. Sometimes we go as long as 2 months but I feel that our dates are that much more amazing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. We really appreciate the few hours away (we almost always ask a babysitter to come over during the dinner hour so that we get away during the most difficult time of the day - eating dinner, the "witching hour", and getting ready for and into bed) when we only get to do it so often. And we daydream together, during our dates, about days in the future when we might get to go on "dates" together once a week or even more!
4. We tease each other, joke together, share inside jokes. Sometimes we even joke about our kids behind their back. I've found this is such a tension-reliever. I am a huge stress-ball and being able to see the humor in situations helps me to look at things from a different angle and not feel quite so serious about it all.
5. Stu and I are both very stubborn and very intense so when we fight, we really fight. But we've gotten much better over the years at trying to reconcile soon after, rather than letting hurt feelings simmer. Even if all we can manage is a gruff, "I'm sorry", that's what we eek out. We've also gotten better at acknowledging that things are getting heated and stopping things before they escalate by saying something honest like, "This conversation is making me really frustrated and upset, can we please change the subject?" If it's something we have to hash out, we come back to it later and try again.
6. This is more of a personal issue but I think it's been helping our marriage because you've got to be right within yourself before you can give of yourself really well to someone else. So, I have to admit, in order to be a better wife and to preserve my own mental health, lately I've been trying hard not to be such a "perfect" parent. In this media-infused society we now live in, young parents are inundated with books, magazines, radio shows, television programs, movies, and on and on giving us all kinds of advice on how to be great parents and turn out exceptional children. I have always been one to use books and magazines to gauge how I'm doing in life and make sure I'm staying on the straight and narrow. I realized recently that I was becoming completely obsessed and maniacal about being a "perfect" mom. And it was turning me into an anxiety-ridden crab. I've put down (most) of the books and am trying to do what feels natural and good to me. For example, ever since Max was born six years ago, I'd essentially turned off the TV for myself while the kids were awake. I felt like it was a bad example to sit in front of the boob-tube when I could be creating flashcards and teaching the kids how to measure things in the kitchen. Now, if I am feeling tired and like I'd enjoy a nice HGTV show, I turn on the TV and flop onto the couch. If the kids want to watch with me, fine. If not, I tell them to go find something to do. I am a much happier mommy, and the kids are becoming more self-sufficient, which is an essential part of growing up.
7. We attend church together every week (almost every week) and pray together every day. I firmly believe that we are incapable of being the best woman and man or best wife and husband or best mom and dad that we can be without God's help. We're just too flawed to do it without divine intervention.
I am really proud of the fact that Stu and I have managed to maintain a relatively strong marriage over the past nearly nine years. Every marriage has their ups and downs and we are certainly no exception. Stu and I have been together for 15 and a half years (we met in high school and married the year after I graduated from college). In those years, we finished high school, attended the same college, cheered each other through sports and academic struggles and successes, got jobs, changed jobs, got promotions, feared losing our jobs, purchased a house, renovated a house, had three babies in quick succession, grieved the loss of Stu's dad who passed away suddenly and far too young, bought and sold numerous cars and trucks, dealt with devastating personal issues, traveled together a little bit, got new pets, had pets die (lots of fish and snails pass through this house), and now we are in the thick of struggling to raise up three young people right. This task can be all-consuming and, at times, completely soul-sucking. I am a Psychology major and I minored in Family Studies but it doesn't take a diploma to be aware of the potential pitfall of throwing yourselves so completely into raising your children, that once that stage in your life is complete, you realize you've neglected to nurture your husband-wife relationship for 20+ years and now you don't know what to do with each other anymore. Without ever specifically acknowledging it, Stu and I do a few things to make sure that we stay connected and nurture our relationship so that we have something special that is just between the two of us - that began long before any Maxie's, Ry's, or Adam's were even a twinkle in our eyes, and that will last long after they are launched from our family to lead their own lives. Here are some of the things that we do:
1. Every day, we kiss each other at least once. Often, we touch each other in passing - sometimes just on the arm, sometimes it's a pat on the rear or a really friendly hug or neck nuzzle. Sometimes during the neck nuzzle, we'll whisper sweet nothings in the other's ear (or maybe steamy promises for later). We can do most of these things right in front of the kids but it is something just for us and between us.
2. Many times during the week, after getting the kids tucked in bed, Stu and I bust out our secret stash of ice cream. This ice cream is off-limits for the kids. They rarely have ice cream but Stu and I have a bowl together several times a week. While we savor our secret treat together, we chat, look at things on the Internet together (like houses or trucks we dream of buying), or watch our favorite TV shows that we've DVR'ed.
3. I've read lots of marriage advice that says couples should be going on dates once a week to have time for themselves. Well, at this point, having children who are 6, nearly 5, and nearly 3, this is a ridiculous notion. Stu and I have a date maybe once a month. Sometimes we go as long as 2 months but I feel that our dates are that much more amazing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. We really appreciate the few hours away (we almost always ask a babysitter to come over during the dinner hour so that we get away during the most difficult time of the day - eating dinner, the "witching hour", and getting ready for and into bed) when we only get to do it so often. And we daydream together, during our dates, about days in the future when we might get to go on "dates" together once a week or even more!
4. We tease each other, joke together, share inside jokes. Sometimes we even joke about our kids behind their back. I've found this is such a tension-reliever. I am a huge stress-ball and being able to see the humor in situations helps me to look at things from a different angle and not feel quite so serious about it all.
5. Stu and I are both very stubborn and very intense so when we fight, we really fight. But we've gotten much better over the years at trying to reconcile soon after, rather than letting hurt feelings simmer. Even if all we can manage is a gruff, "I'm sorry", that's what we eek out. We've also gotten better at acknowledging that things are getting heated and stopping things before they escalate by saying something honest like, "This conversation is making me really frustrated and upset, can we please change the subject?" If it's something we have to hash out, we come back to it later and try again.
6. This is more of a personal issue but I think it's been helping our marriage because you've got to be right within yourself before you can give of yourself really well to someone else. So, I have to admit, in order to be a better wife and to preserve my own mental health, lately I've been trying hard not to be such a "perfect" parent. In this media-infused society we now live in, young parents are inundated with books, magazines, radio shows, television programs, movies, and on and on giving us all kinds of advice on how to be great parents and turn out exceptional children. I have always been one to use books and magazines to gauge how I'm doing in life and make sure I'm staying on the straight and narrow. I realized recently that I was becoming completely obsessed and maniacal about being a "perfect" mom. And it was turning me into an anxiety-ridden crab. I've put down (most) of the books and am trying to do what feels natural and good to me. For example, ever since Max was born six years ago, I'd essentially turned off the TV for myself while the kids were awake. I felt like it was a bad example to sit in front of the boob-tube when I could be creating flashcards and teaching the kids how to measure things in the kitchen. Now, if I am feeling tired and like I'd enjoy a nice HGTV show, I turn on the TV and flop onto the couch. If the kids want to watch with me, fine. If not, I tell them to go find something to do. I am a much happier mommy, and the kids are becoming more self-sufficient, which is an essential part of growing up.
7. We attend church together every week (almost every week) and pray together every day. I firmly believe that we are incapable of being the best woman and man or best wife and husband or best mom and dad that we can be without God's help. We're just too flawed to do it without divine intervention.
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